a dream had, every day since we parted, of the life we might’ve had…
a beautiful fall morning.
our home, warm light flooding through the windows.
a little boy, his hair, just like yours – disheveled and soft falling over his face.
sat securely in his baby seat at the table, playing with his small soft toys. he’s babbles softly to no one in particular.
me, walking out to a sun filled room, seeing you prepare our breakfast, listening to some soft, calming music. you playfully respond to his babbling, he responds back, in earnest.
this is nice. it’s beautiful even. i fill up with a warmth. that warmth you make me feel.
love gushing out of me to have a home in you. in our beautiful child and the life we’ve created together.
i think a part of me lives for moments like these.
it’s been a while. i’ve let so much go
it’s ok, i’m fine, i don’t need all these things i was always so sure i needed -to try more, to be more, to do more.
these were all my own choices, i made these decisions, consciously, thoughtfully. like i usually do, right?
sometimes i can’t tell anymore.
all these years of just trying to maintain the fragile balance of our happiness. holding everything together while it kept falling apart, hoping you wouldn’t wake up to the sound of all of it breaking.
so we can have our love, so you can have your way, so we have peace.
i didn’t pursue my ambitions; you would be threatened
i didn’t travel the world and explore like i had planned to; you weren’t curious.
i didn’t stay in touch with the people who nourished my heart and soul; you didn’t like the competition.
i didn’t tell you that your words broke the little girl inside me who wanted so much more; you would be hurt.
isn’t that what it means to love someone?
and so here i am. all yours. only yours.
and you do love me. i know this. without a doubt, i know this.
can i ask though, what is this love? because surely you know what i could’ve been. you’ve always known what i could’ve been. you saw it, when we first met. i saw it too.
you’ve apologized for holding me back and you tell me i am the best thing that has ever happened to you. you wish i gave myself more credit and knew how wonderful and kind i am. you wish i didn’t let people walk all over me, i deserve better.
yes i do, mijn liefste.
that’s probably why i wake up every time i have this dream.